


Youth’s A Stuff

by bananasandroses (achuislemochroi)



Series: Whofic [85]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 1X13 (The Parting of the Ways), 2X00 (The Christmas Invasion), F/M, Introspection, Tenth Doctor Era, reposting old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-12-01 01:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11475423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achuislemochroi/pseuds/bananasandroses
Summary: The Doctor wonders whether he will ever forgive himself for stealing Rose's memories.





	Youth’s A Stuff

**Author's Note:**

> Set somewhere in Season Two before _Army of Ghosts_ , this deals with the Doctor's feelings for Rose alongside his responsibility for the fact she doesn't appear to remember, after _The Parting of the Ways_ , becoming the Bad Wolf.
> 
> The quote at the beginning is by William Shakespeare, from _Twelfth Night_.

_What’s to come is still unsure._  
_In delay there lies no plenty._  
_Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty._  
_Youth’s a stuff will not endure._

Sometimes, when you're feeling melancholy and self-pitying (or at least more so than usual), you wonder whether you will ever forgive yourself for stealing Rose's memories.

For now, you're not too worried why this body seems so tactile with her. It's something you're willing to let slide, because you're basking in a contentment you've not known for years. You'd sent her away for her own safety and yet she came back for you: even your magnificent mind is having trouble processing what that means.

You'd thought triggering Emergency Programme One would have left her furious with you for a little while, but she would have calmed down in time and lived the 'fantastic life' you'd asked of her.

But expecting her to live like that woefully underestimates Rose Tyler.

One day, you suspect, you'll reap the bitter harvest sown by the decision to seal from her any memory of what she was and did when Bad Wolf, but you'll deal with it when it happens. What point is there in borrowing trouble? The two of you court it daily as it is, and end up running for your lives more often than not. And running for your life is so much more exhilarating when there's someone to run with. You're getting too used to it, and sometimes you wonder if putting up barriers of some sort might help protect you from the inevitable pain that will come when she leaves. As she will, in one way or another, at some point. But the 'sometimes' occasions, in this case, aren’t all that often, and you've decided you can afford to ignore them.

For now.

You hope Rose will believe you when you tell her everything you did was to protect her, to keep her safe. Nothing matters more to you than that, and you should know. And you also know just how it feels to know you have eliminated an entire species. You don't want that for her, ever, and in blocking those memories you hope you've forestalled it.

You wonder, also, whether you were right to leave Jack behind. You know Jack is 'wrong', that he is (and shouldn't be) an incontrovertible fact, and all of your Time Lord training makes you flinch from him. But Jack's predicament is caused by love, by Rose, and you're sure your treatment of Jack is less from fear of him and more from fear of what has happened to Rose.

You live in denial about whether her exposure to the Time Vortex has damaged her in some similar way, but it's a constant worry. The guilt that dying for her may not have been enough crushes you whenever you're stupid enough to think about it (and that is _often_ ).

For Rose is so much more to you than just a companion (as if she was ever ‘just’ anything).

If there's one thing you've noticed, it's how you can't keep either eyes or hands off her for more than five minutes at a time. You seem to crave physical contact with her (of any kind, hand-holding or crushing hugs) even more in this body than you did in your last. The terror, the excitement, and the delight of it all converge upon you at the same time.

You've been getting used to living in this manic, energetic, scruffy and yet sexy body you have this time 'round (you didn't miss Rose blushing when, on the Sycorax ship, you asked her if you were sexy). And you've been trying hard to figure out what you feel for this companion of yours, and why she's so very different.

She's different from most people you've travelled with in an undefinable way ( _Oh, come_ on _. Catch a clue, why don't you? It's not as if golden-eyed Dalek dusting is your companions' usual style_ ). And you're content she won't ask you to take her back to her mother (because, you figure, if she was going to do that she'd have left you for dead at the Game Station). But that isn't it; that isn't it at all.

She has this in common with her mother: both of them are territorial women, and possessive of people they care about.

_Wait a minute. Care about? That's not Rose ... oh, get a_ grip _, will you? The girl's as mad for you as you are for her, and you know it! Stop trying to dismiss it as something else, as you know you're trying to do, and just go after her. God, you're useless at this!_

At the beginning, Jackie had hated you. And with good reason. You'd taken her daughter away and, because you're a cocky bastard who hadn't checked you had your space-time co-ordinates correct, she had spent an entire year not knowing when or if she'd ever see her only child again. You still feel guilty about that. But she's mellowed and, since you regenerated, she even seems to like you. A little.

You're more grateful than you could ever express to her for the care she gave you when you were suffering with regeneration sickness when the Sycorax were in town. If her actions were more for Rose's benefit than your own, you don't want to know. And you're not stupid enough to ask. She helped; that's enough.

And you know, too, not to be arrogant enough to assume what you have now you'll have for ever. You must act on your feelings for Rose, and soon, or regret not doing so for a _very_ long time.


End file.
